Hey there, nobody. See this is weird because it's like I'm writing in a diary except anyone can see it. But no one is going to read this so I guess it doesn't really matter.
Well I'll start from the beginning. A year ago today I was a completely different person than I am now. I was a prude, selfish, judgmental, privileged spoiled Mormon girl who overachieved in every area of life just so I could say that I was better than everyone else. I was weeks away from graduating high school, a full year early so I could prove I was smarter than everyone, and I was busy acing AP exams and being arrogant as fuck about it. So basically I was a bitch. Just from those little tidbits I'm sure you can put a mental image of me together in your mind. And that image is completely accurate, I'm sure.
I'm not proud of who I was.
A lot has happened since then. I left high school and the drama behind. I got a second job. I spent the summer traveling and doing humanitarian work. I had a storybook fling with a Mormon boy. My brother got cancer. I took care of my family. I moved out of state. I went to a university. I experienced life on my own. I lied about my age so people wouldn't know I wasn't legal yet. I partied. I got quite the reputation dancing on stage one drunken night. I had contests with roommates and friends to see who could make-out with the most guys in one night. I always won. I quickly got my first FWB. I was still a (slutty) prude at this point but he opened my eyes to new experiences. Fingering. Oral sex. Combinations of the two. He always gave pleasure and never asked for any in return so my experiences remained one-sided. We got caught by the school administration in bed one morning. I got kicked out of the university. I left the Mormon church. I moved back home. Life was miserable for months. My parents are die-hard Mormon and hated me for leaving the church and getting kicked out of school. They did everything in their power to make my life at home worse and blamed it on my "lack of spiritual influence".
Such bullshit.
But then in the midst of my shitty life I met a guy. We'll call him Eric. He's quite the piece of work. He's a few years older than me. Eyes more blue and clear than the ocean, military-style haircut, big, rough working hands. He's tall and muscular. He's kind of shy and incredibly sincere. He was raised to be a gentleman and to treat women right, you can tell. Yet at the same time he's the type that would be dared to go streaking at a big football game and actually go through with it for the sake of his pride. He's the complete opposite of my "type" but I think that's what intrigues me the most. We started dating pretty quickly.
To give you a time frame on all of this, I graduated in May, and was dating Eric by the following February.
Then I turned 18 in the beginning of April and things changed. I started to take control of my life. I made it clear to my parents that they can't force their beliefs on me. I got a few piercings. I asserted my independence.
Eric and I had sex. And I'm not going to say some shit like "we made sweet, sweet love" because honestly it was just sex. Maybe there's something wrong with me for thinking that way. Shouldn't I care a lot more about losing my virginity? Well the fact of the matter is that it really didn't affect me at all from what I could tell. There weren't insane fireworks and I didn't have some great epiphany about life. I didn't even orgasm. There were times during it that I was just laying there taking the thrusts like a champ and my eyes were wide open and I was thinking to myself "is this it?...". I don't think that's normal. I've come to the conclusion for now that I'm just too high-strung to let passion take over my body. I have too much self-control during sex. I blame my brainwashed Mormon upbringing.
Oh but don't get me wrong, the sex was good. Really good actually. Eric and I have been intimate for a few weeks now and we're still going strong. I love that man dammit. I just need to figure out this sex thing for myself I think.
The best part about all of this is that my parents, friends, and family know next to nothing about what has happened in this past year. Only my parents know I was kicked out of school but they still don't even know why.
No one knows why I was actually kicked out. No one knows the kind of person I was at school. No one knows about my FWB. No one knows I'm not a virgin anymore.
These are all very well-kept secrets. Don't let my secrets out.
Silver
